For a lot of people, secrets that they hold regard body image and this really is no different for me. I wouldn't go as far in saying that I hate the way that I look but I would say that I really do not like it. Soon after I was born I was diagnosed with a rare disability named Moebius Syndrome. Although I have only a small number of the defects that it can cause, I still feel pretty low about myself a lot of the time. All through school a numerous people made fun of the way I looked and it wasn't until I was around 15/16 that a large number of people started to accept me for who I am. Although in my family and close friends eyes I am no different, when I look in the mirror I really often want to just smash it up so I can't see the destruction that my face has caused me.
So as these are my secrets, I'll be totally honest. Due to feeling so different I've self harmed, it got to a stage where I was scratching myself every single day. Because I had no control over being born with this syndrome that has caused me so much emotional pain I just felt like it was my way and my chance to take control over my life and the things that went on in secondary school. I've moved on from it now, I still do think about it, but I don't want any more scars to cover up in the summer months. It's been about 2 or 3 months since I last did it and I am so proud of myself. I'm taking steps to help me - seeing a counsellor and I'm also on antidepressants which help a lot.
I get scared about the future, mainly about what man would want to love someone like me. I guess I get scared that I'll live alone and die alone and that really would destroy me. And also starting a family, I might not be able to cope with things, my children might be ashamed of who I am or even worse, get singled out as having the 'deformed mum' as someone once said to me. I'd hate to be the reason for my children's pain and suffering.
I trust and let people in to my life far too easily and that only means that I get hurt and let down. All throughout secondary school no one really stood by me throughout and I ended up just flitting in and out of friendship groups never really finding where I belonged. Even now I'm not sure where I belong. I have incredible friends, but I feel different to them - almost like I'm not good enough to be their friend. I also get dependant on people, especially people that I admire. All throughout secondary school I tried to find a teacher or member of staff that I could go to with any problem and I basically got pushed from pillar to post with them telling me that they'd be there for me and then just being let down and told that they can't deal with the things I was telling them. I don't blame them though, I just wish they'd have told me sooner really. Now that I'm in college though, I have three incredible lecturers who actually are there for me and really do care. They know a lot about me, just because I'm not the sort of person who would keep aspects of their lives private. Sometimes I do get scared that they will one day turn around and say that they don't want me to talk to them any more. I would understand if this happened as it wouldn't be the first time, but it would hurt me nonetheless.
I have big issues with my confidence. With the way I look it means that when I speak I can't control the way my mouth moves which does make it obvious that I haven't got symmetry around this area. I actually struggle with both confidence and self esteem which has led me to shy back from life and not take opportunities that I perhaps should of. I do feel like I'm not living at the moment, almost as if the rest of the people around me are living their lives to the full and I'm just wasting mine. All I seem to do is sit at home, watching youtube videos, reading books and spending time with only my close family (who are incredible).
My secrets could go on forever but I really have got to go and do some college work as I am extremely behind. I would just like to thank Grace for doing this video as it has inspired me and made me feel like it is okay to have days when you can't cope, but just as long as you can understand that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. So I'm sorry for the long post today, I just really wanted to get this out. I hope that everyone reading this knows that they are never going to be alone in life. I'm feeling optimistic, scared as well though.
Just stay strong and remember that there is always someone there who cares for you, see you tomorrow,
Bella xx
As I was writing this, I had this song on repeat in the background - it is too beautiful xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment