Day 6

Sorry, yet again, for the lack of posts lately, I've been prioritising my coursework and college work, so instead of posting every single day I'll just do it as and when I can - hopefully they'll be a few up each week! Um, I'm going to look for a tag to do for the next blog post because otherwise I have no idea what to write. Basically hope you all are okay and that you're having a good week.

This is another short one I know & I am sorry, but I'm so behind on college work that I just need to get myself up together a little bit more. I hope you understand :) 

   Bella xx

Day 5 - & I'm feeling inspired!

So after watching Grace's 'My Secrets' video, I decided that I'd do the same. However, as I don't make youtube videos I wanted to do a post as I really didn't want to miss the opportunity.

Here's the link to the video :)

For a lot of people, secrets that they hold regard body image and this really is no different for me. I wouldn't go as far in saying that I hate the way that I look but I would say that I really do not like it. Soon after I was born I was diagnosed with a rare disability named Moebius Syndrome. Although I have only a small number of the defects that it can cause, I still feel pretty low about myself a lot of the time. All through school a numerous people made fun of the way I looked and it wasn't until I was around 15/16 that a large number of people started to accept me for who I am. Although in my family and close friends eyes I am no different, when I look in the mirror I really often want to just smash it up so I can't see the destruction that my face has caused me. 

So as these are my secrets, I'll be totally honest. Due to feeling so different I've self harmed, it got to a stage where I was scratching myself every single day. Because I had no control over being born with this syndrome that has caused me so much emotional pain I just felt like it was my way and my chance to take control over my life and the things that went on in secondary school. I've moved on from it now, I still do think about it, but I don't want any more scars to cover up in the summer months. It's been about 2 or 3 months since I last did it and I am so proud of myself. I'm taking steps to help me - seeing a counsellor and I'm also on antidepressants which help a lot. 

I get scared about the future, mainly about what man would want to love someone like me. I guess I get scared that I'll live alone and die alone and that really would destroy me. And also starting a family, I might not be able to cope with things, my children might be ashamed of who I am or even worse, get singled out as having the 'deformed mum' as someone once said to me. I'd hate to be the reason for my children's pain and suffering. 

I trust and let people in to my life far too easily and that only means that I get hurt and let down. All throughout secondary school no one really stood by me throughout and I ended up just flitting in and out of friendship groups never really finding where I belonged. Even now I'm not sure where I belong. I have incredible friends, but I feel different to them - almost like I'm not good enough to be their friend. I also get dependant on people, especially people that I admire. All throughout secondary school I tried to find a teacher or member of staff that I could go to with any problem and I basically got pushed from pillar to post with them telling me that they'd be there for me and then just being let down and told that they can't deal with the things I was telling them. I don't blame them though, I just wish they'd have told me sooner really. Now that I'm in college though, I have three incredible lecturers who actually are there for me and really do care. They know a lot about me, just because I'm not the sort of person who would keep aspects of their lives private. Sometimes I do get scared that they will one day turn around and say that they don't want me to talk to them any more. I would understand if this happened as it wouldn't be the first time, but it would hurt me nonetheless. 

I have big issues with my confidence. With the way I look it means that when I speak I can't control the way my mouth moves which does make it obvious that I haven't got symmetry around this area. I actually struggle with both confidence and self esteem which has led me to shy back from life and not take opportunities that I perhaps should of. I do feel like I'm not living at the moment, almost as if the rest of the people around me are living their lives to the full and I'm just wasting mine. All I seem to do is sit at home, watching youtube videos, reading books and spending time with only my close family (who are incredible). 

My secrets could go on forever but I really have got to go and do some college work as I am extremely behind. I would just like to thank Grace for doing this video as it has inspired me and made me feel like it is okay to have days when you can't cope, but just as long as you can understand that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. So I'm sorry for the long post today, I just really wanted to get this out. I hope that everyone reading this knows that they are never going to be alone in life. I'm feeling optimistic, scared as well though. 

Just stay strong and remember that there is always someone there who cares for you, see you tomorrow, 

   Bella xx

As I was writing this, I had this song on repeat in the background - it is too beautiful xxx

Day 4, & I'm back for good now!

Hiya, long time no see... 

So as I think I've said before, I haven't been on here for a while because of exams and looming coursework deadlines etc. Anyway, all that jazz is done and out of the way now so this can blossom in to something beautiful (hopefully).

Hope you're week has been better than mine! College work is draining my energy completely and I'm really lacking in sleep so I am really in need of a lot of sleep over the weekend and coming weeks to get me in to a better routine where I can sleep before midnight and wake up before half past eight for college. So if any of you do A-levels or have had GCSE's, or just any other exams lately - I hope they went really well and that the hard work you did really paid off! 

So, other than college work my life has been just as bland as it usually is - nothing interesting ever really happens to me in all honesty - sad I know... The start of 2012 saw me make some new years resolutions that I really haven't stuck to, without making excuses, I just really haven't tried. 

I'm thinking of things to say and do in other blogs and I'm really struggling so if anyone has any suggestions or requests then please please please leave a comment and I will promise to do them! I shall also be making some changes to the layout of my blog over the next few weeks to make it a little bit more sophisticated as it does look really basic at the moment. I'm thinking a move to brown tones? I'm still not quite sure.

I'm sorry about how this post really hasn't had much point to it other than to say "I'M BACK"... and let you know why I've been away. 

Speak tomorrow, 

   Bella xx

Day 3

So it's been a few days since the latest post & I know I said that I'd do one every day, it's been a hectic time... With exams next week & coursework deadlines looming, it's a tad stressful. I want to pose a question now; If you could change any part of your body through surgical enhancement in surgery, would you? Bella xx

Day 2

Hello :) So instead of boring you with a boring little blog about how I'm doing nothing but college work today - I thought I'd put a few Christmas photo's up instead... Hope you all are having a great day. 

   Bella xx

Day 1

Hiya everyone, so it's DAY 1

I know the day isn't really over and there's still some more hours to come, but I'm going to my grandparents for the next few days and they don't have the 'luxury' of internet so I thought I'd just be an eager beaver! 

I'm feeling so happy - literally woke up with a shameful hangover but the paracetamol did the trick! This mornin has just been spent sorting out my bedroom ready to be painted whilst I'm not at home - only white though so nothing drastic. It's been so stressful trying to sort everything out and I'm still not finished so this post will have to be pretty short :(

My dad has bugged me today - for a change... Him and his girlfriend and having a family party at their house & they haven't even suggested me going to it. I wouldn't have gone if they had invited me, but still, having the option and knowing that they're thinking of me is nice. 

2012 holds the potential for so much. I'm going to: get a job, get a tattoo, get surgery, get a boyfriend, pass exams, learn to drive, turn 18 & have so much fun and go to as many parties as possible. This year will be the one for me!

& with that my mum is nagging at me to get off the computer - so I'll speak to you tomorrow, Happy New Year! 

   Bella xx

au revoir two thousand and eleven

This year has been a whirlwind, I've had some incredible highs and made some beautiful memories. There's no denying though that there have been some really bad moments when I've felt ridiculously low. I've let things affect me a lot more than they should have, & the past has stopped me from fulfilling the future. I've made mistakes, & I've hurt a few people, I've found my true friends, found those who really care for me, I've realised that my family is incredible & most importantly - I've realised how very strong I am. I now know that I have the power and the strength to change my life for the better.

This year has flown by and I don't know where it has disappeared to. I feel like I've achieved nothing major over the past twelve months and there is no way that I want to do that again in 2012 - if we all do die this year then lets make it a fucking great year to remember. 

I can face everything that I need to now, I am strong enough to cope with absolutely anything. I've survived all the shitty times I've had, & I'll survive the bad times that will come in the future - I guess I'm feeling extremely optimistic!

I really and truly hope everyone elses 2012 is going to be as awesome as mine :)

    Bella xx